[ti:i m an asshole]
[ar:denis leary ]
[al:]
[offset:500]
[00:08]Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about
[00:14]you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our
[00:19]chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,
[00:25]maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver,
[00:30]maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We dont know.
[00:37]Im just an average Joe with a regular job
[00:42]Im your average White suburbanite slob
[00:46]I like football and porno and books about war
[00:50]Ive got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
[00:55]My wife and my job, my kids and my car
[00:59]My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar
[01:07]But sometimes that just aint enough
[01:09]To keep a man like me interested
[01:11](Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)
[01:14]No, Ive got to go out and have fun
[01:18]At someone elses expense
[01:20](Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[01:23]I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
[01:27]While people behind me are going insane
[01:31]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, what an asshole)
[01:36]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, such an asshole)
[01:40]I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
[01:44]I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"
[01:48]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, what an asshole)
[01:52]Im an asshole (Hes the worlds biggest asshole)
[01:57]Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
[02:01]While handicapped people make handicapped faces
[02:05]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, what an asshole)
[02:09]Im an asshole (Hes a real fucking asshole)
[02:13]Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song
[02:17]Ranting and raving and carrying on
[02:21]Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong
[02:28]Naaaah!
[02:29]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, what an asshole)
[02:33]Im an asshole (Hes the worlds biggest asshole)
[02:38]You know what Im gonna do? Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado
[02:43]convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior
[02:48]and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And Im gonna drive
[02:52]around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down
[02:56]quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned
[02:59]non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when Im done suckin down
[03:02]those greaseball burgers, Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
[03:05]and then Im gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and
[03:08]there aint a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
[03:11]Because we got the bombs, thats why.
[03:13]Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-they
[03:18]can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy
[03:21]cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it wont make a
[03:23]lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Waynes not
[03:27]dead-hes frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer were gonna
[03:30]thaw out the Duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have
[03:33]you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,
[03:36]thats how pissed off the Dukes gonna be. Im gonna get the Duke and John
[03:39]Cassavetes
[03:40][03:41]And Lee Marvin
[03:41][03:43]And Sam Peckinpah
[03:42]And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...
[03:44](Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)
[03:46]Why dont you just shut up and sing the song, pal!
[03:48]Im an asshole (Hes an asshole, what an asshole)
[03:52]Im an asshole (Hes the worlds biggest asshole)
[03:57]A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E
[04:05]Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[04:09]Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum
[04:13]Oooh oooh
[04:17]Im an asshole and proud of it!
[00:00.05]